Well, this will be a hard one. Between the tears and glasses of whisky I’m not sure which will run out first. See, I haven’t been completely forthright on this blog with all of you. As the story goes on you’ll understand why. See, Larry has pretty much given us knockout blows since the jump. For those who we’ve told and kept things under wraps I really want to thank you. Again, there were those that didn’t need to know yet. I’ll start from the beginning.
Remember the first meeting with Dr. Mody? The one I said we would do three rounds of chemo then radiation, then three more rounds then see where we were and see about cutting this monster out? Well, there was a prior meeting with the surgeon who met us upon arrival. Apparently, Mayo Clinic has a much better MRI than Baptist Hospital, which might be monkeys drawing on a cocktail napkin with crayons. The surgeon showed us his MRI. Which had the Klatskin Tumor (Larry), plus two more in the liver and one in an artery going into the liver. With all this and the position of the tumor, surgery was off the table. No transplant, no nothing. Then we had the meeting with Mody where I think I wanted to hear something I didn’t. Either way, this was bad.
Oh, then the saturday night ER visit and the doctor that looked like he belonged in a soap opera. Well, there was a meeting the monday after. Wherein the doctor (haven’t seen him before or since) began to talk and mentioned “quality of life going forward” a few times. Wait, that’s something you hear when old people are on their way out. How the hell does that apply to our situation? So Elizabeth finally asked the question, “Is this terminal?” His response that I remember verbatim “well, I’m not going to say yes because I’ve seen miracles happen here, but more than likely you will succumb to this disease”. Well shit.
There were a couple of days that were tough. One for me was one Sunday when I was going to talk on the phone with Dr. Joesph. I woke up, went to the store, cried on the way there. Started shopping, cried in the bread aisle. Went across the street to get a beer and shot. Sat outside and cried again. Called Dr Joesph and sat in my front yard and after hanging up just bawled. I came in, kissed our heroine on the forehead (she had a friend over) went to cry in the hammock and that collapsed. Seriously, the universe had conspired against me that day.
Anyway, we went to go see Mody a day or two before Hannah’s graduation. Elizabeth asked point blank, what are we looking at here. Two years.
The chemo will work until it doesn’t. Then once it stops, we’re on borrowed time. So ok, that was the knockout blow. It’s been pretty good since then as she hasn’t had chemo and can feel like “a normal person” so that’s eased the grief a little bit. That and the stuff going on. Graduation, dance recitals, other things. The wedding vow renewal came up on the way back from a day at the beach with my buddy Mike. The conversation was a little heavy then that popped up. I will never, ever be able to thank all of you for the groundswell of support that happened with that nonsense. Even with nothing to offer except a couple of old people renewing vows on the beach then turning you savages loose on the patrons of Atlantic beach, I’m amazed at the love. But back to the story….
So, Mody says he will tell Ham and Cheese what’s happening. That way if they have any questions, he can answer them. That and we honestly didn’t know how to tell them, but we both agreed they needed to know. So that’s where we went today. Like I put on Facebook I would’ve given up damn near anything just to skip today and fast forward to Saturday. But life doesn’t work like that. So we went to the temple of doom.
We had the meeting. There were some tears in the room. I thought maybe they knew and maybe they did, but hearing it from a doctor is just a punch in the throat. As we left there was just terrible silence. I hate that silence, because its just things marinating. We were quite for a while until I dropped my keys and Hannah broke the silence. She understood how I said some things have been said during this by a doctor and everything after that might as well be in Swahili because its just gibberish. So we went to eat. There were some tears in the truck. Once we got to the restaurant it was just typical conversation. Laughs, making fun of each other, all that. We got back and hung around for a while. Then went to a movie. Some stupid “pirates of the Caribbean”. Really something with no thinking involved. We all had a good time. Then we got home and the dam just broke. There’s a list of 746 things I’d rather see than all three of my girls crying at the same time. That was tough, no, tough doesn’t describe it. It was soul crushing. Tomorrow is another day. I tried to explain that there’s no difference between yesterday and today to the girls except now they know what’s happening. Hannah actually called me out on how stupid that statement was. I’ve had time to try to wrap my head around it, they haven’t. So we’ll move on. She’s going to work tomorrow. Our awesome niece Addie actually took the reins and emailed Hannah’s manager to let him know what’s happening. The email back from him actually brought a tear to my eye so I can only hope she does ok with it. I dont know, its going to be better tomorrow I hope. Can’t get worse than today right? Either way, I’ll throw out a few more posts now to keep everyone updated as it got difficult to paint a happy face on a situation that as the later it got, just didn’t deserve it. Again, I’ll try to keep this a little funny, because in the words of the philosopher Jimmy Buffett, if we couldn’t laugh, we’d all go insane. Right now though, today, that laugh seems a little far away, but I’ll find it. We’ll all find it.
Love you guys and blog at you (sooner than) later.