This is going the right way?

Let me flop in here.

Well it's been a while hasn't it? There hasn't been a whole lot going on of note to report so I've just been laying in the weeds. Anyway, here's the update on our heroine. We went back today for the MRI one month after the Y-90 radiation. I don't think either of us wanted to be at the temple of doom so we walked in none to pleased. The nurse came in. She was pleasant enough. Didn't seem to quite have a handle on things. I don't think you'd have another mapping for radiation. Yeah, pretty sure we do. That and she wanted to argue with me on the pain meds Elizabeth was taking. I've been giving them to her for damn near six months. I could recite the list in my sleep. Please, let's not go back and forth about if she's taking oxymorphone. I know the difference between that and hydrocodone (diludid) I know she's taking it and it's right on this sheet of meds. So after that, in comes the Dr. We saw him at the jump but again, this shuffling doctors in and out gets super frustrating. Anyway, we asked him about what the deal was with the swallowing and tightening in the chest. They had given her antacids thinking it might be reflux. He then said no, it might be an ulcer in the esophagus due to the radiation. It might just be the high radiation itself that causes some of the pain. Or worst case, it might be some of her left side is just blocked and absolute worst case, another tube would be inserted in the front if the pain gets really unbearable. Well that was not what we were hoping to hear. That's a Hail Mary, last ditch effort. He doesn't want to do it anymore than she wants it in there. Ok, so how about the tumor. Well, there's a little regression from the radiation. One month in they really don't ever see much. It takes about three months. So, that MRI at 9pm a week after the treatment was really unnecessary.

Nice.

So after all that, things though are generally going in "the right direction". Well I'm glad he cleared that up because obviously the wrong direction must really, really stink like day old fish in a bucket. We both walked out with a look that was a cross between exhausted and "seriously, what did we just hear in there". Which abbreviated comes out WTF? (and not Why the face?). But she still has a break until the end of the month from chemo so that's nice. Hoping and praying the radiation starts to give way and alleviate some of the pain, and so yeah, going the right way, OK, sure. It just brought back in a little bit of focus, I know to me, maybe both of us, what we're dealing with here. Cancer stinks. And we're dead in the middle of it.

It brought to mind something I heard at the very beginning of this. I spoke with an old, old friend of mine. When I say old, he's the reason for the scar on my chin which has resulted in this mantastic beard. His mother had just passed from cancer and he'd heard about Elizabeth. He told me, your feelings will change by the day. It's a roller coaster. Get ready. I really didn't start to get it until a few months ago. That once the initial shock of the situation passes, its like that movie where Drew Barrymore wakes up every single day and can't remember the day before. Except you wake up in a different mindset every day. You hope its positive but most of the time its not. So you wake up and go. Ignoring it or sticking it in the back of your head like an old water bottle in the backseat of your car. After time, those bottles pile up. Thankfully I have friends I can talk to. Some let me go deep, some just make me laugh. Both are needed. Honest to God, its all needed at this point.

I'll leave on this, and I really hope the next one is lighter than whatever nonsense I'm about to spew. Elizabeth says all the time, I'm worried about you. I brush it off. You're the one with the cancer, worry about you. I'm fine. I started to talk about it with her a little bit but I'm not. I'm not fine. I'm unwell. I'm tired and drained. But I have to keep going, getting out of bed every morning and talk to people even if I dont want to. There was a word I heard today that describes it. Crippling. Mentally and physically at times its just, crippling. But I love all you guys and the positive statements that people have said about this blog. It keeps me going and really means a lot.

So until next time, love all you savages and blog at you later, big kiss, MUUUUUUAH!!!!!

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