The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated

I’ll jump in over here

Ok, it was a roller coaster of a day. One that if they opened it at Busch gardens you would have to preorder tickets to ride because it was that up and down. So lets clear some things up from yesterday. Nobody is dying tomorrow. Yes, we have called hospice (more on that later) but we needed to get into their que. Again, while things are sliding in the wrong way, nobody is dying tomorrow. My bride, while she’s taken a lot of shots, is not going down yet. She’s still battling. She’s stubborn. I say this with all due respect, which I know usually follows with something not respectful at all, shes a tough broad. When people have said the pas few days how strong I am, I shake my head and laugh. I’m as tough as wet toilet paper compared to her. To put it in music terms, I’m Kenny G to her Metallica. In sports terms, I’m the Browns and shes the ’86 Bears defense (I cannot give any credit to the patriots who I will call out here as a sham and all smoke and mirrors). She’s my rock. She’s the one that I look at think man, when I grow up, I want to be that badass. I can’t emphasize this enough, I adore her with every fiber of my being. And while things are going south, to quote Mark Twain, “the reports of my death are greatly exaggerated”. Now, for the update.

So we head to the temple of doom for the pain management meeting. The Dr come out of the box with “so theres been discussion of a pump”. Uh, I think I vaguely remember one meeting with a doctor where it was mentioned in passing. So he went into it. Now I dont know if he gets a commission off of these pumps but the dude sold it. Basically shes on 200 mgs Of morpheme with all the dilaudin and oxymorphone they bumped her up to. This device, once installed internally, would reduce it to 1mg a day with much better results pain wise. That and if shes taking less pain pills the nausea lessens so she can eat, she will have more energy as a result of more food and less pills, and get out of the cloudiness shes been in where shes in bed 20 hours a day (I’d like to say thats exaggeration, but its not). So we go in for a test next week where they inject the drugs into her back and see where shes at after three hours. If everything is cool they can install it. It’s all internal. There’s the question of “well why didn’t they do this before”. They have things they have to do. I’m a little puzzled why they just bumped her meds up and didn’t offer this. The Dr said in advanced cancer cases this is the best. That there was a woman on significantly more painkillers they installed one in that was a game changer. I could beat my head against a wall and ask why but that would do zero good. Beating your head against anything is never good. Or getting mad because theres no cups in the bin by the water fountain to take pills with. (Note to self, those dispensers are made out of strong metal and they frown upon giving ice bags out because you had a belly full and laid into it. Pain management has its limits and that is out of bounds). So while its small, we’ll take the win. And hope that we can get a few more good days from it. Because goddammit, we need a few.

So that brings me to the hospice visit. The meeting was OK. Nobody, in the history of the world has ever said, wow! That was a great Hospice meeting. No, it was a meeting with mortality. She (the nurse) was really great. She explains things that are coming up. That care comes after our heroine has thrown in the towel on chemo. There are some things they can do but they really step in after, well………..

Look, I listened and got the gist of it. I got a booklet I need to read. They will keep in touch. They’re calling me next friday after we meet with the doctors next week and see what happens with the pump. I got a call from a friend that said “take the help, Whatever they or anyone offers take the help”. I get that. I will. It’s just hard to do it. I think for both of us. We will cry and scream and yell to our friends. But with each other, maybe to our detriment, we both get big and bad and want to go through that wall. We’re a pretty good team in that way. Either way, they’re involved now. But again, we’ll live for another day for as long as she wants to. Yeah.

Again, thanks for the thoughts, prayers, and good vibes. I got a call from a guy that I haven’t actually spoken to since we played boys club football in the Mcgriff green jerseys. I’ve gotten messages and texts and calls that have left me speechless. As much as everyone “doesn’t know what to say”, I’m in the same boat. Except I’m/we’re grateful. I could go on and on about how much this has changed me and altered my perspective, and it has, but I bought a carton of Bryers mint chocolate chip thats calling my name and a wall to stare at. So I’m going to do that. Thanks for the kindness, hopefully we didn’t use it up already, cause we’ll need it later, no doubt. Love you savages and keep on rockin the free world. Big Kiss MUAHHH.

2 thoughts on “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated

  1. Wow, this is good news and it’s amazing what you start to consider good news, isn’t it?! Elizabeth is in charge and she will do all of this as she is ready for it and if she ain’t ready, she ain’t gonna do it.

    love you all so much! xo mag


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