So I’ll jump in here, even though its cold.
OK, so its been a bit. It’s been a rough month for team Reeves here. I had one blog post half written but it was terrible and I knew there was more story to tell, so I let it die. Anyway, lets get into it. Our heroine has had one hell of a time. From the morphine pump test hitting a strange nerve and sending a shockwave to parts unknown (which sent us to the ER on December 30th, where we found out that there are three Doctors there that have sensitive man ponytails, go figure). Oh also, we had hoped that Dwayne the drain could get removed. It could not at the last minute because “the doctors are not to excited because they would have to replace it with something else”. Awesome. That could’ve been told to us prior to the couple of weeks before when we asked about it. Honest to God, it seems like every time we’re about to turn a corner we hit a brick wall. She’s miserable (missed Christmas Eve dinner, more on that later) and the holidays basically ate a plate of shit stew. We were hoping they would make it ok but quite frankly they did the complete opposite. I’m tired and keep going because I have no choice. But something has to break right soon. Other than just the chemo is working, because other than that nothing else is. So yeah.
Although at Christmas Eve dinner I had a great talk. My nieces boyfriends mom was there. She gave me a prayer blanket to give to Elizabeth. We then started talking. The only thing I could relate it to is the ghost of Christmas future. Now look, I think Ive said maybe five words in three years to her and two of them were Merry Christmas. However we started talking. She lost her husband 19 years ago to cancer. Now usually people when the conversation veers toward this direction go to the standard “I dont know what to say”. I want to say to them…..
OF COURSE YOU DON’T!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE ZERO IDEA WHATS GOING ON IN MY HEAD!!!!!!
But she started out with a simple statement, Its different every day. YES!!! Yes it is. And you feel lost and confused. YES!!!! She got it. And wasn’t afraid to say it. Because she stood in the same rainstorm I am now. She went on to talk about how shes doing now and the troubles of dealing with it since. Now remember, this has been 19 years. I can only pray that things work differently for me than the picture she painted. One thing we did talk about was relationships. I’m 99.96% positive I’ll never marry again. Why would I? I had my soulmate for twenty plus years. I can’t imagine ever having a more perfect partner than her so why try. I’m sure I’ll date, but marriage, the thing where you give yourself completely to another person, that part of my heart goes with her. But I kept asking about how she moves on and how scared I am about it. I think about a talk I had with one of my best friends. He said he wasn’t worried about me right now. I’m tough enough. Or right after all this comes to pass. I’ll have enough to do. But after the girls leave, thats when he worried about me. I felt that as one night Ham was out with her boyfriend (again, great guy, dude came to Christmas Eve dinner. And they are facebook official. And he’s come at the right time, so the universe has done right by me here) and Haley was at a friends house for the night and Elizabeth was asleep in the bedroom. I’m puttering around the house and it hit me, THIS SUCKS!!!! Even if I’m on the couch watching some shitty rerun of NCIS with Elizabeth laying on my lap, shes there. I’ve got someone there. What happens when I don’t remains to be seen. From listening to the ghost of Christmas future I really dont know. But we’ll find out and keep going.
So anyway its New Years Eve. Number one, I ate the black eyed peas for good luck last year and they underperformed. But two, this is the time when we make resolutions and lie to ourselves about losing weight/working out/all the positive nonsense we know is completely unattainable. However this year instead of the lies and all that make an oath to yourself. Its pretty simple really, I’ve done it a lot more this year myself and its my wish to you. Love a little more. Tell the people who are close to you exactly what you feel about them. How much you value them and love them. Its a little tough at first, especially for guys because we have that rugged exterior. But, you’ll be surprised how easy it gets once you start doing it. So tell your friends you love them, hug your family a little more. I’m glad I’ve got Ham and Cheese to prop me up. Realize that nothing, and I mean nothing lasts forever. I wish that none of you have to deal with anything like I’ve had this last year. I heard a quote the other day that great fighters are not remembered by the great punches they threw but the times they got up off the canvas to fight again. I’m grateful I have a lot of people cheering me on to get up and do it again. I love all of you. So happy new year, I hope it bring you nothing but joy and prosperity. Peace, love, and blog at you next year. Big hugs and a kiss. MMMMUUUUUAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!