So, That was better than expected

Hey kids, so today marks the two year mark of our heroine passing. Yeah, its a bittersweet anniversary for sure. We (Ham, cheese & I) did our thing that we”ll do from now til the end of days, went on a boat, laughed a lot, went to River city brewing (Elizabeths and I rehearsal dinner spot), then after that, went to Hurricane Wings. I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out. This day two years ago we looked at each other and after a long day (nay, year) went, I’m hungry. So we got wings. And made a vow that we’d gather here every year no matter what. and we order one Malibu rum and orange juice. We all take a sip or two (even Hay who thinks it tastes like hand sanitizer). Bartenders and managers be damned. It’s our traveling communion. Just a way to remember. Which leads me to this………..

I woke up today feeling different. Not because of what the day was going to bring but what it didn’t. I remembered the happier times. The laughs. For all of us. There was not a sense (for me) of what was lost but what we had grown into. I think from reading what Hannah wrote and just talking to them that we’ve gotten to a different spot. A good spot but different nonetheless. I could never understand what its like to lose your mom just as they could never understand what its like to lose your spouse. But goddammit together we have leaned on each other and figured out how to lose and just keep going. Granted, I have a lot of help with Kim (and hopefully the girls have too, and for all that and for helping me, I really, truly love you) but life is meant to keep going. I read a blog the other day about grieving and it said something that struck a nerve. The ending is just the beginning. That you can now reinvent yourself in ways that only you can imagine.

I know Elizabeth would’ve loved this. I know from talking with her before the deal was done but even earlier that she just wanted the best for all of us. It’s why I woke up this morning and read all the facebook memories and had all the flashbacks and felt all the feels and knew that she would never had wanted this to be a sad day. That she wanted to be remembered always but not in that mournful way. She would have wanted us laughing. She would have wanted celebration. It’s why when I woke up when I remembered her it wasn’t the cancer stricken part of her, it was that 20 years of health and heart and love that I was so happy to be a part of. But we keep going. With all of life’s ups and downs. We just keep going. And I’m more fortunate than most that I’ve got all this support around me and the girls. I don’t use this term regularly nor lightly but I, and we are blessed.

I will leave with this. I remember the last meaningful thing she said to me. When we woke up from a nap. She thanked me, for laying in a bed in hospice. I had a stain on my shirt from whatever nonsense was leaving her body. Didn’t matter, still have the shirt. But right then I knew that was it. We may have said other things later but that was that. Again, I’ve thought about that moment a lot today. But its not with the frail body that I was with, it was with Elizabeth, my Elizabeth, the one I woke up today thinking about. Heart, mind, body and soul. And I’ll always, always love her.

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