So, That was better than expected

Hey kids, so today marks the two year mark of our heroine passing. Yeah, its a bittersweet anniversary for sure. We (Ham, cheese & I) did our thing that we”ll do from now til the end of days, went on a boat, laughed a lot, went to River city brewing (Elizabeths and I rehearsal dinner spot), then after that, went to Hurricane Wings. I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out. This day two years ago we looked at each other and after a long day (nay, year) went, I’m hungry. So we got wings. And made a vow that we’d gather here every year no matter what. and we order one Malibu rum and orange juice. We all take a sip or two (even Hay who thinks it tastes like hand sanitizer). Bartenders and managers be damned. It’s our traveling communion. Just a way to remember. Which leads me to this………..

I woke up today feeling different. Not because of what the day was going to bring but what it didn’t. I remembered the happier times. The laughs. For all of us. There was not a sense (for me) of what was lost but what we had grown into. I think from reading what Hannah wrote and just talking to them that we’ve gotten to a different spot. A good spot but different nonetheless. I could never understand what its like to lose your mom just as they could never understand what its like to lose your spouse. But goddammit together we have leaned on each other and figured out how to lose and just keep going. Granted, I have a lot of help with Kim (and hopefully the girls have too, and for all that and for helping me, I really, truly love you) but life is meant to keep going. I read a blog the other day about grieving and it said something that struck a nerve. The ending is just the beginning. That you can now reinvent yourself in ways that only you can imagine.

I know Elizabeth would’ve loved this. I know from talking with her before the deal was done but even earlier that she just wanted the best for all of us. It’s why I woke up this morning and read all the facebook memories and had all the flashbacks and felt all the feels and knew that she would never had wanted this to be a sad day. That she wanted to be remembered always but not in that mournful way. She would have wanted us laughing. She would have wanted celebration. It’s why when I woke up when I remembered her it wasn’t the cancer stricken part of her, it was that 20 years of health and heart and love that I was so happy to be a part of. But we keep going. With all of life’s ups and downs. We just keep going. And I’m more fortunate than most that I’ve got all this support around me and the girls. I don’t use this term regularly nor lightly but I, and we are blessed.

I will leave with this. I remember the last meaningful thing she said to me. When we woke up from a nap. She thanked me, for laying in a bed in hospice. I had a stain on my shirt from whatever nonsense was leaving her body. Didn’t matter, still have the shirt. But right then I knew that was it. We may have said other things later but that was that. Again, I’ve thought about that moment a lot today. But its not with the frail body that I was with, it was with Elizabeth, my Elizabeth, the one I woke up today thinking about. Heart, mind, body and soul. And I’ll always, always love her.

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Well that was fun

So, the second in this never ending blog of nonsense about the three legged table. Thanks for the renewed interest and such. It really means a lot more than you’ll ever know. I got one response from a reader from the past that it inspired her to volunteer at the regional hospice and palliative care facility where shes from. Pretty cool stuff because really, I never meant for it to do anything like that. So I read a few of the past blog as they popped up in my post the last few days. Some of the stuff is pretty funny and it made me chuckle a bit because I remember exactly how I felt then. Some did give me a little lift because of the support of everyone who “rode the wave”. The ones at the end were sad to say the least but it was the end of a really great story. Sorta like at the end of “The Notebook” when you’re crying but say wow, that was really great (or in my case the last Star Wars but I digress). A lot of memories of that year and others stirred up that I and ham and cheese, while we wish some hadn’t happened, are far better and stronger people because of it. So enough of the sappy, lets get to some happy.

As most of you know I ran the Gate River Run on Saturday. It was my standard couch to 15K where with no training whatsoever, our hero drags his ass off the couch, slide his six toed feet into running shoes, and for no good reason whatsoever, decides to participate in a road race. I finished ahead of a couple of old ladies with walkers, a group that had far to many mimosas during the race, and a couple that were pushing their twins in strollers (I’m not sure they were technically “in the race” but never let facts get in the way of a good story. The dastardly “Green Monster” Hart Bridge lived up to its name this year as the wind was just brutal as it could be. My time was 10 minutes better than last year which funny enough was 10 minutes better than the few years ago when I previously did it. If I keep up this pace I will soon be running up front with the “elite” athletes in about 10 years. Hannah took care of me post race with these normatex leg massager things at her work and sticking me in the cryotherapy chamber. For those not familiar with this form of torture you essentially strip down to your shorts and stay in a glass room thats -230 degrees. That’s right kids, -230 degrees for 3 minutes and 30 seconds. Think of that beer you stick in a Yeti cooler and its kinda like that. But you feel a thousand times better after you’re done with it so thats a plus.

We’ve also been watching “The Bachelor”. Now I know what you’re saying, Bob, turn in your man card, this is unacceptable. I completely get that. However my reason is two fold. One, Hannah and I watch it together, and any reason to sit and laugh with her is worth whatever shame I have watching this nonsense. Also, and little secret here, its really great. It wouldn’t be on this long if they didn’t have it figured out. It’s like one of those old bands that you’d never really listen to but go see in concert and understand why people really dig them and have been successful for so long. I started simply enough by stopping in the kitchen while Hannah was watching it. After poo-pooing it for probably seven and a half minutes, the next two and a half was figuring out what he would see in this brain-dead nincompoop past the fact she was smoking hot. Then I wanted to see the next episode because they promised “twists and turns” and I think somebody was crying at the end. Well now I have to watch it. I’m hooked. And like I said earlier, Hannah and I enjoy laughing at these clearly damaged folks who not only are trying to find love, but feel they actually deserve it. So we’re watching the last of this season tonight. Haley, god bless her, wants no part of it. I’ve long said shes the smartest of us.

So enough babbling for now. I’ll pop back in a couple of days to when something pops up. Love you savages.

Why am I doing this?

Hey kids, time to get back in the pool

So its been a while hasn’t it. Been a little busy with just doing. One of the things I’m doing is running the Gate River Run. That’s right, this guy is running a 15K. Well maybe not running. Well, barely running at all. A nice walk with occasionally throwing one foot in front of the other at an accelerated pace. But still, doing 15k. 9.3 miles with a big ass bridge at the end. It’s my second year in a row. I’ve had people ask me, why? Why would you do this? I make the jokes. Because I’m an elite athlete. There’s all you can drink free beer at the end (and not lying, thats a pretty great selling point). But theres actually more. See about three years ago and a couple of days I got news that would change my life. My wife, the mother to my children, was going to die. I remember that whole day like yesterday. How the hell am I supposed to do all this. A year later again, almost to the day, she passed. So last year I decided to get my butt out of the lounge and go “run” a race with 16000 of my closest friends. You may ask why? Because I can. Because I sat in that seventh floor wondering what the hell was coming next. Because I watched someone who two years ago was full of life wilt away. Because I can. I saw a sign that I should’ve bought during check in because I’ve thought it damn near every day since I saw it. It said “one day I wont be able to do this. Today ain’t that day”. So I did it. Last year in sort of remembrance and this year to look ahead. Not just at the 9.3 miles ahead but everything else. Ham and cheese moving on to their next steps in life. Kim and I figuring out our next steps. Everything that comes along in this crazy but wonderful life. Sometime along the way a friend of mine told me as I was going on about the bullshit going on that one of the reasons I was upset was because we were about to turn “the corner”. That corner that while you don’t have everything figured out, things just are a little easier. I got a lot of corners to turn on Saturday but I’d like to think I’ll one day get back to that “corner”. So I’ll keep doing it. The race and just life. It’s kind of the way I’ve done it the past two years, keep looking forward and occasionally look back to see how far I’ve gone. And at the end there will be all the beer I can drink either way.

So this was just a warm up. I’ll let you know how the story continues. Got a lot of stuff coming up that I’ll want to go long about. Graduations, life changes and soup reviews that will knock your socks off. Going to try to self publish the blogs of the year in hell (with some stuff added) and donate to charity, I’ll let you know about that. Hopefully all the people that said I should keep writing don’t come to their senses and say, Bob, thats enough. So after a year or so away from this I have no idea if any subscriptions still work but if you can, give it a shot. Or I’ll throw them up on the facegoogle and see what happens. Until then, love you guys, big kiss, muuuuuuuuahhhh

Gonna be a long day

So hey babe, it’s our anniversary. The 21st one. I still remember the day we met, our first date, the day I proposed, all that. This was our day. Still is. I’ve thought a lot about you today without remembering the last year almost at all, well, except vowapalooza. Only the good times and there were a ton. Whats the old saying, don’t cry because its over but smile because it happened? I’ve honestly smiled a lot today. Physically you aren’t here to eat crappy Pizza Hut pizza like we did on our wedding night and every year since but I will, knowing you’re around somewhere, so I ordered one with just cheese and pepperoni because I know you hated the other stuff. I did get onions and the fish because, well, you’d complain that I stink but would get over it. It’s the only day a year Pizza Hut actually doesn’t taste like garbage in a bucket. I know you told me to keep going and be happy and I’m trying. Sometimes I think I’m succeeding. The girls are helping me out (as I hope I am them) and I’ve got great friends, really, they’re all the best, but…..

Damn, I still miss you.

I miss your voice. I miss you coming in and hugging me when I cook. I miss you saying “thank you” after every meal. I miss sitting on the couch watching Survivor with your head on my lap. I miss…..all of it. I miss you pushing me in the middle of the night when I snore (I tried the cpap machine, I really did, but it wouldn’t work, you would’ve hated the noise too). I miss waking you up in the morning and getting ready with you, laughing about nonsense on the morning news. I miss riding anywhere with you driving and thinking, wow, I’ve been less scared on roller coasters. I miss you and Haley getting into it about her clothes (okay, thats a stretch, I’d like to hear it again but to say “miss it” is really a lot). I miss you, a lot. We still tell stories about you and talk about you all the time. As great as I think I’m doing now I’d trade it all in a minute to see what would’ve happened with us. And like I know, we talked about it, but you took a piece of me with you that I’m not sure I’ll ever get back. I was looking for something the other night and stumbled over a ton of pictures under the bed that after ten minutes just had to put back. I’ll probably drag them out at some point tonight. I know you’re watching us and thinking that this three legged table is complete nonsense, there’s still four, there always will be. I know this because we’re all still vertical and doing as good as possible. Hannah is absolutely a force of nature and Haley is coming into her own and really figuring things out better than I even expected. I’m trying to get on with life and keep moving forward. But did you ever hear how when people lose a limb theres still some weird twitch or feeling where its supposed to be? Yeah, that, all the time. So anyway, I’m going to cry over the last piece of thin crust, probably have another (few) beer and one more thing, and I know what I’ll hear in my head after I say it…..

Love you more.

Happy Fathers Day.

Because I wanted to go long………

So we all know, its been a long roller coaster of a year. But at the end of last year my parents came to see me and the fam after christmas. We went to the deep end of the pool with everything that was on my mind. You know, usual stuff a guy in his late forties thinks about. How in the hell am I going to move on with my life, what am I going to do with myself after all is said and done, where is my backscratcher, all off it. It was put in my head that after Ham and cheese split and move on with their lives, thats when it’ll set in. So I’m singing the blues. As I’m really thinking wow, I’m in a bad spot here my dad looks at me and says something I’ll never forget……..

I’m not worried about you.

At that moment I thought, wow, well that makes one of us. And I thought for a split second, Really? Seriously, not at all? What the (comment censored) are you talking about? Because I was.

He then went on to explain. Do you remember where you were 10 years ago? 5 years ago? At every point you can look at think, it cant get much worse. And at that moment, things get better. And the stuff you remember as terrible you stand back and laugh at it and have moved on. Life moves on. I explained that seriously, right now is defcon 5, the button is gonna get hit, everything is gonna get burnt to toast. Scorched earth and all that.

“You’ll be alright. Trust me.”

He was right there by my side til the end. Even though I didn’t think I wanted or needed him there, there he was. I’d wake up, stumble out to the waiting room, there he was. We walked around the hospital, got chased by an angry goose, but he was there. So yeah, there was that. But back to the story about “I’m not worried about you”……….

As much as you dont want to admit that experience means everything (and ham and cheese will never say this), your dad is always right. There’s been some space sense that conversation. And a lot has gone down. But great googley moogley he was right. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve had three people look at me in the past few days that say theres a bounce in your step, a light in your eye. Something we haven’t seen in a year or so. I think though about that conversation with my parents a lot. I can remember him saying that. I can actually still place my feet on the square foot of earth I stood upon hearing that. I can remember the feeling when he said it and its a complete 180 degree turn as to how I feel now and thinking wow, you were right. I know without a shadow of a doubt I wouldn’t be the person I am today without him sticking with me and propping me up when everything was going to hell. He’s told me, I dont know how you do it. Well, its easy when you have the best Dad ever to push you in the right direction. So happy Father’s Day. To all you lunatics who keep the ball rolling and to my dad, a guy who I will gladly concede the title of the baddest savage on the planet. Love you. That’s all.

Back to the jokes about Uranus and farting now, immediately.

I didn’t have a stamp

Hey Elizabeth, its your boy.

So, its been what, two and a half months? I’m pretty sure wherever you are you’re running the show by now. Telling whomever was in charge, thats nice, but let me show you this. Anyway, just writing you first to let you know I haven’t broken the kids yet. We’re actually doing pretty good all things considered. Still learning how to be a single dad but I think I’m getting the rhythm of this. They both got sick the last couple of weeks and nobody went to the hospital, just the minute clinic. I’m sure you’ve been looking in on us (more on that later) but let me run over things so in case you got busy you’ll know what’s doing.

First, Hannah. Look, she’s still amazing. Her and Carson just had their six month “anniversary” or whatever they called it. They’re cute together. We always laugh that he’s just a taller version of me. With better hair and not quite with my barrel like physique but he’s a super guy. I met his parents as well. Wonderful people. Went to school in Gainesville. Hannah said from the first time “you guys were like old friends”. We’re going to the Pixies show in a couple of weeks so they’re my kind of people. he makes his own beer (I can see you rolling your eyes, stop it). And his mom is super cool as well. She couldn’t have picked better people. You’d like them. She’s turning 19 in a few weeks and as usual “wants nothing”. I have an idea but I don’t know.

And Haley, look, theres been hiccups but I think we’re turning the corner. I actually went to a parent/teacher conference where I’ve never felt like so much a fossil. Her English teacher graduated from high school 10 years ago. Let me repeat 10 YEARS AGO!!!!!!! I’ve got t-shirts older than him. Seriously, he also had a man bun. But they all said she was really smart and doing well. And look, with everything going on truthfully, she did pretty good. And is doing great at dance. Her and her friend Anna are lead dancers on the school team and shes just kicking ass at Marks again. She found her love for it once more, I know you were concerned. But everything we did turned out right for that. We have her recital Monday coming up. We can’t wait. It’ll be a little bittersweet for obvious reasons (Hannah and I are going to be a frigging mess) but she’s so great at it. I’ll remember flowers, I promise. But I still see so much of you in both of them. From their beauty to their independence to their humor, I’m thankful for that. They took the best from you.

As for me I’m getting by pretty good. Our friends have kept me so busy to the point my therapist said, you can say no. Oh yeah, I’m going to a therapist. There’s good and there’s bad but on the whole she has helped. Not gonna lie, that first couple of weeks were tough. Not the going to sleep which everyone said but waking up. The getting out of bed to face another day. But I took a page from your playbook. To just keep doing. Because people are counting on me. From the guys I need to find jobs for to Hannah and Haley. It’s hard sometimes but I know I can’t stop. I know we talked about you wanting me to be happy. It’s coming around. I’m sure you saw the couple of fastballs the universe threw at my head. That was awesomely craptastic but I think I outlasted the beating and am getting back up to throw haymakers. And I reconnected with someone who honestly makes me smile every time talk to or am around her. It hasn’t been long but I haven’t genuinely smiled like this in months. On the subject of universal cosmic circumstance she sent a picture out the other day she took that had the strangest connection to you. Pretty sure you had a hand in it because it was uber-pintresty. I think though that the mourning has subsided a bit. Not the memories (I still tell stories about you) and still use the terms we and our. But our friends get it. Not sure if that will ever go away. Probably not but I think we talked about it once with about some friend of yours, eventually, you’re/I’m still alive and you have to continue to live. So I’m trying and its hard but I think I’m doing a decent enough job of not tripping over myself.

So I know one of your last wishes was not to be forgotten. I think we’re getting to the point where we talk about you and laugh a lot. Remember those pictures of the girls on the mantle that you said eventually we’d change out? Yeah, I dont remember that either but Haley did the other night. Now she doesn’t want to change them. And I can’t speak for the girls but theres little hints and clues you throw out to make sure we know you’re still around. Sometimes its pretty bold but sometimes very subtle. But you know what you’re doing, and whatever advice I would have would just make it worse. We’re headed to New York during Christmas this year. I swear we won’t get into any trouble and we’ll make “good choices”. Well mostly good, some might be just plain fun. Somewhere we’ll need to find a place to serve a slider and a Malibu and orange. We still think of you, a lot. But we’re doing as good as we can. There’s been some stumbles and missteps but we’re still learning this new normal.

I haven’t been able to write without you here so excuse me if this letter rambled a little. I also don’t think I have a stamp that the USPS will deliver to parts unknown so I’ll just leave this out in the ether to find you. I’ll write you from time to time and we’ll see where this goes. A next chapter to the blog if you will. Just to keep up with our nonsense. The last hashtag #uphillbattle is officially in the books. We’ll start using #threeleggedtable for this installment. So I’ll end it here for now as our good friend Mike drove us into a cow poop filled creek with a golf cart (don’t ask, it was just typical what we do, we’re not that smart. There were about 104 things that could’ve gone wrong so getting stuck wasn’t a huge problem.) and I need a shower, but we’ll keep in touch. Still love you more.

Bob

One (more) and done.

Let me jump in one last time.

First off I had no plans for one more. Our heroine passed peacefully. She waited for ham, cheese, and I to leave the room. Her brother Chris was there at the final moments. I’ll never be able to thank him enough for that. There’s a lot about the moments I’ll keep to ourselves. While we shared a lot, that’s something I don’t have the words or thoughts right now. So…..

Quick backstory, Elizabeth used to love ghost hunters, ghost adventures, ghosts in cars getting coffee, all that. The celebrity mediums, the noncelebrity mediums. She loved it. As did I because I made fun of it the whole time. Ghosts were complete nonsense. How in the world could any sane, reasonable person believe in ghosts.

Fast forward to the roadtrip. Ham, cheese and I split for Clearwater beach just to get out of town. A change of venue. Relax and generally get a breath. So we wake up the first morning. When I say we, I mean me because teenagers wake up at the crack of noon. So I stumble out for a cup of crappy hotel brew. There’s some old guys (80+) celebrating a birthday with a bottle of Jameson. (I wanted to party with those guys but I would’ve brought their cool quotient down a notch). I noticed Taylor Swift’s “shake it off” playing. Our buddy Wayne and Elizabeth were drunk as rats dancing in front of the Hard Rock in Vegas to this song and it never fails to bring a smile to my face. Ok. Mild coincidence. We then set out to grab a t-shirt and other nonsense from the trip. We’re in a surf store. We hear Fergie from the black eyed peas. Hannah taps me, we used to hear this every day going to school, what are the odds we hear it at a surf store.

Yeah, what are the odds

So we are now about to leave to go see my uncle Richard and aunt Terri and Jenna. While waiting for the valet another song is blasting through the hallway speakers. Some Amy Grant song. Don’t ask me the name cause that ain’t quite my genre. Nonetheless, Amy f’n Grant? She loved Amy Grant. I sat through a Christmas concert of Amy Grant and would gladly do it again but still….

This was getting weird, even ham and cheese though as much.

So we start to driving. Years ago a commercial came on the tv at a restaurant with songs of the 70’s. Olivia Newton John came on and Elizabeth started singing this song that I thought she made up, “have you ever been mellow”. We get in the truck. We change the station and what comes on, right from the start….

If you guessed “master of puppets” you’re wrong.

Seriously? ONJ? Have you ever been mellow? ArWe all screamed “seriously!!!!” Are you f’n kidding? I looked up. “Well played ma’am”. Hannah then hit a button. Turned it off. We turned it right back…..

The song was gone.

This was not pandora, nor Spotify. Sirius XM is on a stream. Why did it disappear? What the blue hell is going on. We all felt something. Hay was shocked. Hannah immediately started sobbing. I smiled a huge smile because she’s still here in some way watching us.

I’m sure she laughed. Thank god we have someone watching over us with skin in the game.

At the end of her remembrance from me the other day I said something a buddy of mine texted to me right after she passed. I think about it a lot as the past few days I really feel she’s still with us. With all of us. So look, in the end I truly love all of you. And the three of us will be fine in the end. I’ll keep writing. Maybe I’ll start a new one about a dad trying to raise two lunatic daughters. Complete fiction but I’ll come up with something I’m sure. Thanks for the following.

Someday you will read or hear that Elizabeth Reeves is dead. Don’t you believe a word of it. She shall be more alive than I am now. She will just have changed her address. She will have gone into the presence of God.

 

An open letter….

I’m sitting here next to you. Quietly. You’re on meds so you’ll never read this but right now it’s either write or stare at the wall. And I know you’d get on to me for pouring a ridiculous amount of rum into what’s left of my coffee at 1:30 on a Wednesday afternoon. But all things being equal I think the situation warrants it. I’ve already told you but wanted to reiterate that Ham, cheese and I will be ok. You’ve given me two great crutches on which to lean on and I hope and pray (yeah, I actually prayed) that I’m the same for them. Yeah, it’ll be a little different. We’ll still tell Haley to quiet down whenever Hannah and I get stupid and she makes the slightest peep. And I’ll make sure Hannah wears better fitting shorts and will constantly remind her not to say the first thing she thinks of. And I swear I’ll “make good decisions” whenever I go to a concert or a football game with my “boyfriends” as you called them. It won’t be the same but we’ll be alright. We’ll still go to Jimmys for thanksgiving and Easter. Christmas though we hatched a plan that instead of gifts we’re just going on a trip from now on. This year we’re doing it for Christmas but in the future may sit in the lounge drinking egg nog without the nog (re: bourbon) and plan an adventure. And don’t worry, you’ll never, ever be forgotten. We’ll order a Malibu and orange juice and plain, dry, cheeseburger wherever we go and choke down a couple of bites as an appetizer. Think of it as a traveling communion.

I can’t think though of a better adventure or a better partner to have run with the last 20 years. We had some great times. Jamaica, Mexico, Vegas, that really crappy hotel in Tampa we stayed at because I wanted to go to a rays baseball game. I know you really didn’t care to go but neither did I really want to go to an Amy Grant concert. The first time we went to Disney with each of the girls. The recitals and programs. I’ll remember it all forever. As will the girls. You’re like a bad stain on a white shirt. Even if we wanted to forget you we never could. Nor would we want to. Because it’s our favorite shirt. And we’ll wear it out. Even with the holes and stains and ill fitting collar that has worn out it’s welcome, it’ll still get worn. And you know me with old shirts. We had a great ride you and me.

As far as this last year, I told you at the jump, we’re a team. We’ll fight this thing to the bitter end together. We had help from friends and family and my god we needed it. I’m not sure where we’d be had we did like we said one day in a fit with everyone and said f’ it, let’s move to arizona. Hindsight being 20/20 definitely for the best we stayed. And we have the best group around us anyone could ask for. And they’ll be here for as long as they can stand us. We, well mostly you, gave it hell and we left no cards on the table. As you know I like to bring it back to sports and we were facing Michael Jordan’s Bulls. And we went down swinging. So I’ll leave it with this. Don’t be scared. At all. And I won’t be. Because I and the girls will thankfully have somebody watching over us with a little bit of skin in the game. And lastly……

I love you more.

This is a hard one

Yeah………

So I left the house around 10am on Thursday. Just checked up on our heroine between looking at jobs. She said she felt a little off but to me, she sounded and looked pretty good. The hospice nurses/social workers had been there for the majority of the week and everything seemed to be fine. We’re supposed to have good days ahead right? That was the plan. Meds has been decreased to a more suitable level, we were going to get the drain tube so they could relieve the pressure of the always brewing gut stew at home. Things were starting to come together. The nurse was coming by later to drop off some DNR paperwork for us to have onhand if/when the worst happens. But we aren’t going to need that for a while. So off I went to st augustine to look at a job. Well…….

Elizabeth calls and puts me on speaker with Barbara the nurse. She was super nauseous, weak, hurting, all that. Ok. We were going to the inpatient hospice wing at the hospital to get this under control. Elizabeth met this decision with no resistance. We stayed the night and her assites/gut stew was draining from the hole where Dwayne the drain was inserted pretty good. When it has no place to go, it’ll just find somewhere and show itself the door. So the nurses here (whom I cannot say enough good things about) the next day began to see if they could move up getting the drain tube put in from Tuesday to Monday. That got done (more on that later). We spoke with the doctor between the parade of family and friends coming by for support. It’s hard for me to even type this, things ain’t good kids. There were some hard truths that we knew but out loud they were crushing. She doesn’t want to be in pain anymore and who can blame her. She doesn’t want myself or ham and cheese to see her this way, struggling. But we pressed on. I crawled into bed and took a nap with her. She’s lost enough weight where I could slide my giant tuckus right beside her in this small bed. I left and came back and between then she had decided that Monday was no good, that with our history of things and procedures at Mayo that she wanted to be certain exactly what was happening. So I agreed. While she needs it later it’s ultimately her call. So after all the family and friends left ham and cheese came in and we all stayed the night in the room. Today has been quiet. The girls went home to clean up and Hannah is going to work then to her boyfriend Carsons house. He’s been here with her the majority of the time and even though it’s only been a short time I love that dude. No matter where the road goes for him and Hannah he’ll always have a special place in my heart for being there for her (and his family as well). Haley is going to stay at a friends house so I’ll have the air mattress to myself.

So now the tough part. She’s not really eating. It was all we could do to get her in and out of the shower today. She has no strength. I know that she “wants all the info” before getting the tube but that may be her way of saying fuck it. So we sit here. Not feeling good about anything. Ham and cheese just came back by and we had some laughs. I’ve told friends that came by that were upset leaving, we’ll be alright. And we will. I had a pretty good partner for twenty years to raise two awesome human beings. Am I scared? Yeah. But I know I’ve got them to lean on as they do me. I just deleted a sentence as I wanted to be positive and put a good spin to end this, but truthfully it sounded ridiculous sitting at the end of the hallway on the fifth floor of hospice. So I’ll just leave this here and hope we can get out and go home together for one last run. Love all you waveriders, prayer warriors and savages. It’s been a good uphill battle with you guys behind us. Peace and love. Later